This happened 30 minutes ago. I'm currently sitting in my car outside my gynecologist's office typing this.
The Night Before
My boyfriend and I both lead pretty busy lives. He works full time and often works overnight shifts. On the other hand, I'm a full time student that works 30-35 hours a week. On top of that, I had to put down my beloved fur child last Saturday, so as expected, he hasn't really been putting his wand in my Chamber of Secrets..if you catch my drift.
After an emotionally draining week, filled with lots tears and interspersed with sexual frustration, we finally had some time last night to, in Conan O'Brien's words, "take grandma to Applebee's."
It's been a while since we had sex and my bf is not a fan of hand to gland combat, so unsurprisingly, he had a huge load.. As in, I felt his dick spasms as he shot ropes of jizz in me. When I was cleaning myself up after, I noticed just how much was coming out of me and when I told him he laughs it off and says," Haha, yeah, that was a lot."
The Appointment
Anyways, this morning I check my calendar and of course I have a gyno appointment. I'm the type of person that gets really anxious for any type of appointment and while psyching myself out for my handsome and young male gyno to take a peek at my vagooba, I completely forget about last nights sexscapade.
Fast forward to the appointment and everything seems normal. I guess my gyno was training a Physician's Assistant because she was the one that did my pap smear.
For the dudes reading this, a pap smear is when us ladies have to channel our inner Sasha Grey and lay on our backs with our legs spread wide open for our gynecologists' viewing pleasure. They then stick a speculum in, open up our love canals, and blindly stick a bristle-like swab in to take cultures.
Ya know, nothing's better than having a complete stranger stick random objects up your terrified vag while they try to hold a conversation with you - always a good time.
The Unfortunate Discovery
Anyways, as she sticks the speculum in, her soft virgin eyes look mortified. My experienced gyno just carries on, asking me questions (keep in mind that he was not behind her but was to my left).
Midway he stops, walks over to take a quick look, smirks, and goes," Do you finally have a bf?" (It's worth noting that he's a really cool gyno and obviously, I must talk to him about my sex life every check up; at this point, I wasn't sure if he had actually seen the semen inside me or was just making small talk).
I awkwardly answer "yes" and he gives me his spiel about continuing my birth control/being careful. The new PA still looks semi-disgusted but has finished and is now pulling out the speculum.
That's the EXACT moment that my soul leaves my body. As she pulls it out to throw in the trash behind her, I see my boyfriend's freaking baby batter DRIPPING off this thing into the floor. Once the speculum was removed, I proceed to feel a gush of liquid rush out of my pink canoe and pool around my butt. Yes, I was still spread eagle and you can bet that they both saw.
The poor PA looks at my gyno and asks," Did you want me to clean that?," referring to what dripped on the floor. Before he could answer, I made a strange ass sound and rushed out," It's okay, I'll do it."
Before they leave, my gynecologist winks at me and says," Guess your dry spell is finally over!" We speak casually like friends so I'm not weirded out or anything but so embarrassed.
Guys.. I am seriously fucking horrified. What the fuck. I'm seriously considering switching gyno's but mine is so damn good at his job and we really get along.
Also, not using a throwaway because I have no shame.
TL;DR: Boyfriend blew a huge load in me last night, went to the gynecologist today, and his cum literally gushes out of me.
EDIT: For those of you suggesting that this is an April Fools joke.. it is unfortunately not. My dignity is in shambles but I’m glad a few of you were able to laugh, cry, and cringe with me.
Also, yes, I did shower. My after-sex routine always involves a shower where I proceed to push my pelvic floor muscles like I am a reborn Christian, trying to expel the demon spawn that my sinful boyfriend had pushed into me. Although a hefty amount DID come out last night, apparently, not all of it. Contrary to popular belief, cooter’s are not wide, gaping holes, with lips that flap whenever there's a breeze. Washing the outside of your vagina does not clean the INSIDE which, if you're not dipping your 'nana into the Nutella jar, is where the semen goes. A pap smear looks at the inside of the vagina and a speculum is an instrument that basically spreads open the walls of your tight vagina so the gynecologist can get a better look at your cervix.
In my case, just like Noah Moses, that speculum split the waves and onto the path that was just formed, onward gushed my beloved boyfriend's high fructose porn syrup.
EDIT : For those that STILL don't believe me:
Also, please don't speak badly about my gynecologist. You may think it's unprofessional but I've been seeing him for years now (prior to my bf, I was single for 3 years and I'm not one to partake in one night stands) and we're really close. As part of a regular check up for STD screening, he always asked if I have engaged in any sexual activity and for three years, I'd say no then tell him how much I longed for a relationship. If this happened in one of our first appointments, he would have NEVER acted like this. I have PCOS/am high risk for cervical cancer so I am constantly there for testing, ultrasounds, and general check ups regarding birth control/Metformin/etc. (we're still working on a method to regulate my period). He's become really close to me and we always joke around because it eases my nerves. It took us a while to get as comfortable as we are with each other and I wouldn't change it for the world. Though it'll always be nerve wracking to see any kind of physician ESPECIALLY a gynecologist, for me, it really helps that I view him as a friend.
To clarify, bf and I had sex around 3am last night, I cleaned up, then we went to bed. Today (or I guess yesterday since it's 12:33am right now), was my day off so I legitimately woke up and Netflixed in bed all day until around 1 pm since my appointment was at 2.
Believe me or not, that's up to you. All I'm saying is I swear on my beloved fur baby's soul that it happened and I am still super embarrassed. In the years that I've been his patient, I have never seen this young female PA before. I do not know if this was the first time she encountered a situation like this but from the look on her face, I can only guess. I'm sure she'll become seasoned in time and things like this wil not phase her. The PA gave me my pap smear and I had to come back in a week to get an ultrasound for my PCOS anyway so if results were unclear due to semen, I'm sure we will redo the pap smear. My appointment was at 2pm but I was not seen until 3pm due to him having an emergency regarding a patient to attend to at the hospital so the exam was very rushed since he had a full waiting room. However, I'll be sure not to have PiV sex for at least 48 hours prior (very thankful for this advice as I genuinely did not know and this was my first visit where I am in a relationship ever).
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